You Might Be A Redneck If:

From Jeff Foxworthy

• You have a Bud Light pool table light hanging over your dining room table.
• The strongest smell in your house is butane.
• Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
• You've ever mistaken your Aunt Betty for a man.
• You think paprika is a Third World country.
• You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
• You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
• You played the banjo in your high school band.
• The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
• You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed you hunting dogs.
• More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
• You think the stock market has a fence around it.
• You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
• Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
• You've ever used lard in bed.
• Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog You've ever financed a tattoo.
• You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
• Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
• Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event.
• You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
• You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
• The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
• You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
• The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
• Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
• Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
• You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
• You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
• You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
• None of your shirts cover your stomach.
• Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
• The rear cars on your car are twice the size of your front ones.
• You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
• You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
• You use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
• Birds are attracted to your beard.
• The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute."
• Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
• Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
• You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
• Bikers back down from your momma.
• You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
• Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
• Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos."
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
• You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
• You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
• The first words out of your mother every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
• You have more that two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
• You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
• You clean your nails with a stick.
• You prefer car keys to a Q-tip.
• People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
• Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
• You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
• You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
• Your home has more miles on it than your car.